Hurting

IUI#4 didn't work. So there will be no Christmas baby in our house this year. Our hearts are broken again and I'm feeling like my body is defective. We are taking a much needed break now. I'm not sure when or if we will try again. This process is emotionally and financially draining, time consuming and extremly stressful and intrusive. Goodbye for now. Be well my friends.

Dreams

So normally I'm the one dreaming about baby. Although I haven't been lately, maybe that's because it's all I think about during all of my waking hours. I've been sitting in training for the last four days so its all I daydream, think and pray about every second of the day! Anyhow DW told me that the other night she had a dream that we had our baby and it was so tiny it could fit in the palm of her hand. It was healthy and full term just miniature. I asked if it was a boy or girl and if it had hair. Haha She wasn't sure as the baby was swaddled. 

Two days later my aunt sends me a text that read "Had a dream last night that the whole fam was sitting around a table and u and "DW" walked in and announced u were getting married. Grandma asked why and if you were pregnant and I looked at u and u nodded"  "You were also wearing awful red lipstick. Lol"  My Grandma passed away in 2001 :( we all miss her terribly and DW and I are already married. I love how my Grandma was insinuating that we were getting married cause I was knocked up.lmao Anyway my aunt is convinced that this time will work as it was try #4 and my Grandma birthday is on May 4th. Also IUI número 4 was performed in exam room 4, exam room 1 is where we have had all our other IUI's. 

The real IUI#4

So today was IUI#4, performed in Exam Room #4 by a random Dr we have never met before while "Ho Hey" by the Lumineers played. haha DW and I laughed afterwards about random things while we waited for the swimmers to make their way to our little eggie. Fingers, toes, arms and legs crossed that this is the ONE! Dear lord grace us with a December baby...our own baby Jesus. 

IUI#4 Attempt#2

So the cyst was inactive and they said it would not affect our baby making. 

Our IUI#4 attempt #2 deets:

CD8-Right side 17mm follicle & cyst, left side 12mm and lots of 8mm's. Lining 3.7mm

CD9-20mm follicle & lining 4.5mm

CD10-22mm follicle, lining 6.4mm & E2 over 700

CD11-22mm, lining almost 7mm & E2 over 1000

CD12-24mm & lining 7.5mm. Nurse called-beginning to surge, instructed to trigger at 8pm and IUI the next day.

CD13-IUI at 8:30am

Cyst

So today's CD3 and my ultrasound showed 8 follicles on the right and one lovely cyst at 24mm and 15 follicles on the left. The Dr. said that if the cyst is producing hormones that this cycle will have to be cancelled. He also said that cysts are common and normally resolve themselves and that he doesn't think that mine will be a problem as my lining is only 3.7, but the only way to know is by the bloodwork. So now we wait. If we get a call by 6pm our cycle is cancelled. No call means start femera tonight. Ahhhh what a roller coaster of ups and downs and waiting!!! 

*Update No call and it's 6:36. DW and I are worried that this cycle is a bust due to the cyst and we aren't able to talk to the clinic until tomorrow and I start meds tonight :( 

IUI#4 Another sad day :(

After talking DW into not sitting this cycle out...the clinic left me a voicemail saying that my Dr is canceling the cycle as he does not feel that it's a good one. He is upping my femera to 5mg day 3-7 and I am to take Provera for 7 days to bring on my period. 
I suspected that this cycle was a bust as my follicles were not growing at the usual pace. However today was CD12 and I had 1 at 14mm but one on the other side that was 15mm then 14 and not growing. Typically we insem on day 14 or 15. Boo 6 days in a row of clinic visits to be stabbed and violated and all I got to show for it are bruised arms :(
Guess the chemical pregnancy messed with my system and I'm sure all the stress I've been under didn't help either. We were initially going to sit March out to avoid a Christmas baby but DW wants to go for it surprisingly. Maybe it's cause I sobbed to her in the kitchen about wanting a baby in my belly! So we'll see! We are most likely out in April as we're gonna be on a much needed vaycay but we're obviously hoping that we wouldn't need an April cycle anyway! Let our TWW for my period begin. 

Results are in...

Results are in...my levels went down. We are loosing our little bean. Less than 4 weeks along :( Our hearts are beyond broken.

Pregnancy test

Today we went off to the clinic for our pregnancy blood work together this time! And we were together when the nurse called too. Finally she called and said the words we had been longing to hear "Your test results today were positive" OMG we cried and hugged and danced around the kitchen. Then I asked her what the levels were and she said "8.5 and 5 is considered pregnant" after that my heart sank. I knew that number sounded really low and that it was just over the minimum. I googled and it didn't seem promising. But for that moment I was pregnant and we were having a baby. I'm have to go back to the clinic in two days to see if my levels rise. Fingers and toes crossed

IUI#3

Third times the charm we hope! On Monday January 28th we were off to the clinic...locking my keys in the car first, thankfully we were in the drive way and I had spare keys in the house and then we drove to the clinic in a freezing rain/snow storm. Finally at 9:30ish am we had our 3rd insemination done by a third person (our actual Dr.) Dear Donor had 11Million post wash which is way less than the last two times, 16 and 20 Million. That bummed me out a bit but our Dr insisted that anything above 5Mil is good. He managed to bypass my tilted cervix and get to my uterus just fine, it was quick and nearly painless. DW and I took our usual photos holding up 3 fingers this time. She sat on Dr. M's wheely chair and chair danced which made we laugh. I read once that laughter helps the swimmers get up there, DW laughed and said "where do you get this stuff from?" She also leaned in and whispered "Swim swim" to the boys. I hope they listened! Ps. We took the empty vial this time. We contemplate it every time but never do it. lol 

DW had to go to work, I stayed home and watched The Backup Plan with Jlo. I got a bit emotional and text DW that I love her and our Peanut (fur baby) with all my heart and that I have some room to spare and hope we have a little one soon. She reminded me that we will always have each other and will have a baby and told me to picture my self in the nursery. Tears ran down my face and I held my belly hoping and praying away. The TWW had begun. 

Moving on to #3

So after our second BFN we picked up the pieces and waited for round 3. AF came on January 15 and our third cycle had begun. I did everything like I had done before, visit clinic CD3 and CD9 and then every day until they told me to trigger. The clinic has been training new staff cause they are so busy especially on the weekends. This resulted in me have a random blood sucker take my blood on CD9. She poked and prodded and couldn't get a vein, then attacked the other arm and left me a nice bruise. I had tears rolling down my face and all I kept thinking was how much I hate this and how we should be pregnant and how hard this process is and we've only tried twice. Then I took a deep breath and said to myself "I'm going to get pregnant, we're going to have a baby"

CD13 showed one nice 21mm follicle and 7.5mm lining. The nurse said make sure you answer your phone and check your messages you will be triggering tonight and insemming tomorrow or Tuesday. Later on the much anticipated call came and the nurse told me I was starting to surge on my own and to take the trigger after 8pm, and come in for insemination at 9am the next day.

Positive Affirmations & Inspiration

My daily affirmations "I'm happy, I'm healthy, I'm going to get pregnant, we're going to be mommies"

Here's my baby inspiration play list and the lyrics that really stick out for me

Colbie Caillat - Capris - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcJb2K8y8l4

"She’s got a baby inside

And holds her belly tight

All through the night

Just so she knows

She’s sleeping so

Safely to keep

Her growing

And oh when she'll open her eyes

There'll be no surprise

That she'll grow to be

So beautifully

Just like her mother

That’s carrying"

Christina Perri - A thousand Years - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9ayN39xmsI 

"I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer

One step closer"

Phillip Phillips - Home - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTg1n95--KE 

"Hold on, to me as we go

As we roll down this unfamiliar road

And although this wave is stringing us along

Just know you’re not alone

Cause I’m going to make this place your home"

P!nk - Try - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPtlSF4TlJE 

"Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try"
Gotta get up and try try try

BFN

Negative = Heartbroken

4 sleeps

We're 4 sleeps away from testing! & We're super nervous and hoping and praying that we have a little one nestled in my tummy. I think we're about 8DPO and I've been having twinges and bubbly feelings in my lower abdomen area on the left side only (the side I ovulated on) I'm also experiencing a bit of pain like I strained myself in the upper thigh area where my leg connects to my abdomen again only on the left side. It's such a weird feeling. Boobs hurt as well and that's really about it. 

{~{~BABY DUST~}~}

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!! I hope you had a lovely holiday and New Year everyone (all 3 readers! lol) We had a pretty good New Years. DW and I went out for dinner with some friends and then back to our friend's condo. And I pretty much had to beg her to go. She's a lil granny, home body and bed by 10 kinda lady. haha I'm the same but I really wanted to get out cause I'm hoping and praying that we will be home with a baby next NYE.  *fingers and toes crossed*

~*~*~*Baby Dust*~*~*~